I AM YHWH.

God was a shy boy, one could say, except He was a fully grown god. But God is by no means mysterious. Human kind never had the pleasure to bathe in His glorious presence for He prefers disguise. Mere mortals even wrote a book on how to recognise God in mundane affairs. A quarrel arose and lasted for hundreds of years for people just couldn't agree on how to name the bloody book for it contained so much information about everything and everyone. Eventually, after marching to a significant amount of wars and killing each other in various battles they came upon an agreement - "The Book", they decided to call the book "The Book". It was a glorious day full of vine spilling and other joyful activities for it meant no more throat slicing and gut knifing! But then JC came, son of God. New books needed to be written and new wars were about to be born. But this is not a chronicle of wars but of love.

The day God fell in love was indeed immortalized yet eventually buried deep into the unknown by silly mortals for they feed on constant need to make gods as miserable and lonely as they are.  But nothing is ever really forgotten. And I am about to inscribe a divine fable of truth into your mortal minds.

God was a shy boy, but only until He met Asherah. For on that day He stood tall and said to Her: I am YHWH, that is My name. But She stood even taller. So Yehweh made the skies mix with lightnings and thunder and so He spoke again: I shall make rain fall and you shall bathe in it. Twenty six times the Sun had hid deep into the hills but it was raining still. On the twenty seventh day the world was starting to immerse in water and mortals were building ships fast while the two gods had stood proud in a wordless battle. On the fortieth day Asherah raised Her head even higher and started to drink in the water for she was The Tree of fertility and life, as, how unexpected, all goodnesses were. The land had dried whilst Noah was contemplating his mistake of taking spiders into the ship. Yahweh lowered his tired form onto the ground and Asherah sat next to him on his right. And then came the rest of the eternity and Hollywood thought it was good and worth using in their depictions of mere mortals lives. 

YHWH came from Sinai

and shone forth from his own Seir,

He showed himself from Mount Paran.

Yea, he came among the myriads of Qudhsu,

at his right hand his own Asherah,

Indeed, he who loves the clans

and all his holy ones on his left. 

Deuteronomy 33.

Jesus and the Desert of Judah.

It was the 29th day. Jesus was sitting alone in the Desert of Judah. His eye balls were starting to get dry and his mind was weakening. It was the point at which Jesus started seeing things that were. Like his parents telling him he can be anything and anyone he wants. Except the failure that he was. He loved wood and the way it felt under his hands. Smooth and silky, like Lucifer's calves. He loved wood but he also used to hear all sorts of voices, telling him being a carpenter's son isn't enough and eventually lulling him into believing that he had to find 12 dudes to follow him around all the time.

It was the 29th day. Jesus was sitting alone in the Desert of Judah. His eye balls were dry and his mind was weakening. It was the point at which Jesus started seeing things that are. Like dear Lucifer, trying to seduce him by offering powers of a Superman - he new his beloved preferred flying over riding a donkey, palm leaves underneath or not. Or by tempting him to accept the never ending famousness, so that all the generations that haven't even been born yet, would dare not to name their children in his name.

It was the 29th day. Jesus was sitting alone in the Desert of Judah. His eye balls had a life of their own and his mind was utterly lost. It was the point at which Jesus started seeing things that might yet come to pass. Like his dreams coming true. He could see himself being anything and anyone he wanted: son of a God, spending half of each and every year by God's side, petting their ginger cat, curled in his lap, helping God to judge the unchangeables. Whilst the other half he would spare to his husband, the cat hater, with three-headed Kerberos at his feet. The creature that could also see the past, the present and the future.

It was the 40th day in the Desert of Judah when Jesus said his most famous words: fuck this shit, I need a drink.

ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE GARDENS.

One time, God was sitting under a tree, listening to the mellow sounds floating above Linos lyre. The man had magical hands and divine ears, so as his brother Orpheus.

The other time, God was listening to Heracles play, with a bloody lyre, freshly soaked with Linos blood.

There was also time when God wouldn't listen to anyone. Like Zeus almost never did.

There was this garden, people used to say, a place where one could dwell for as many years as one lifetime can give. Yet emerge from it and you will find your self to be at the exact moment you were about to enter it. Lovers, entrusted with forbidden love, used to dwell there, people said.

One time, Zeus burned it to ashes.

The other time he raised it from ashes and made the garden even more beautiful. Full with black, like her hair, and blue, like her eyes, flowers. With a tree in the middle, with golden apples, like his hair, and with emerald green leaves, like his eyes.*

The gardens of Hesperides. Where a serpent-like dragon Ladon guards the tree and it's immortality-giving fruits. Where no mere mortal can enter any more. Where one time God was sitting. Under the tree, created in a man's image. Listening to Heracles praising his deeds, whilst Atlas was holding the heavens. God new, he was stealing from Hera's garden, but he also knew, he was helping Heracles to earn his glory, his 'kleos', 'Hera' 'kleos'.

* Maloe and Lakenae.

On either 10 or 11 June 323 BC, Alexandros, "he who defends men", died in the palace of Nebuchadnezzar II, at the age of 32.

May the Gods be drinking in your name tonight.

P.S. God, you bastard, the thing you made me sit through on Saturday.

GOD AND A BUSH.

It was a rainy day for rain was dripping from the sky with no honey on it. Zeus answered not his call for most probably he was somewhere on Earth on yet another quest to find a woman, whose uterus would help him make the world a better place. It was a hard task indeed. Every penis-less human did dare to dream off bearing a child conceived in a rainy day. It's a rainy day that was hard to come by in Greece. 

It was a rainy day and God decided against moping and so he left the earth. For now. He went to Olympus for he found joy by sitting and gazing into the depths of a mirror, contemplating about the life of  loud-thundering Zeus. After all, God was created in his image as well as 4 generations of men.

It was a rainy day on earth and God decided to please his role model, his beloved cloud-gatherer by finding himself a woman. He knew not where to start though. So God looked down upon the earth where no clouds hovered above it. He saw a man herding a flock of sheep on some dead mountain. He wanted not to scare the shepherd and by showing his true form he would have definitely ended up doing exactly that. God had to act quickly for he sought to catch a wanderers eye and the man was in haste. In a moment of panic (God was still so young) he turned himself into a burning bush! The man fell on his knees screaming 'what oh, all mighty, you want of me, mere mortal'. 

It was a rainy day in Greece and God dared not to ask his initial question 'I command you to tell me where could I find a fine woman to impregnate!' Instead he mumbled something about freeing Israelites from Egypt... The second he said all of that he regretted it deeply for he knew Amun will kick his arse far into the heavens beyond. 

It was a rainy day. The day recorded in history of gods as the time when God failed in finding a mortal to impregnate and thus making the world better (from that day forward he will entrust his angels with this task), and a day recorded in human history as the time on which a burning bush spoke to a man, who made a career out of it. It was also a day on which God found out about a place called Heaven for it was where Amun kicked his arse too. Eventually, he will move in there for his son will be a hermit. 

DRAGONS II. BEARDS, IASON AND AN ADVENTUROUS GOD.

When God was young, he was quite adventurous. Not like now, the old fart that he is for even the gods can get old, in soul or in mind or in whitening off ones beard. When God was young, he didn't grow any hair on his chin, for it was a sign of slovenliness and squalor, at least in a time of Caesar. And so all the gods started shaving their manly cheeks clean, in a Roman fashion, for they loved them dearly - they helped them to conquer half the world, did they not? Then the great emperor Hadrian was the first one of all Caesars to grow a beard. And if we were to believe Plutarch, the Chronicler of Men, my dear fellow, he did it to hide his scars. Since God was his lover, he himself  grew a beard out of love and never shaved it off ever again. (I believe not in gods questioning their sexuality like mere mortals do, that would be beneath them, nor they are  as petty as they supposedly should be). Also, God wanted to look more like Zeus used to.

When God was young, he was quite adventurous. He had a boyish crush on Hera and so they spent most of their lazy afternoons together on mount Olympus (for God didn't have his own place yet, now known as Heaven) and when time to aid Iason came, God set off to help him for Hera was quite affectionate towards the young hero. And so, God sailed with the Argonauts to get a Golden Fleece. This is where God learnt that killing is not the only way to win for Iason didn't slay a dragon, the guardian of the fleece. With the help of enchanting Medea, he lulled the dragon to sleep. And so Iason saved a life and for that he was greatly rewarded by not getting his rightful throne of Iolcus and by eventually pissing of his wife. 

When God was young, he was quite adventurous. And every time he reminisces about Iason and the Argonauts, he feels as if his cheeks are clean shaved yet again.  

DRAGONS

Everything, as always, started a long long time ago, when even the Greeks couldn't really remember what happened in those ancient times. Not dark, just ancient, though, it is greatly believed that nowadays are filled with mirth and light for the gods killed all the DRAGONS a long long time ago. If you were a divine being, you most probably did it:  Apollo slew Python. Indra killed Vritra. Michael defeated the dragon ("the ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, the one deceiving the whole world - was thrown down to the earth with his angels" Rev. 12:9). Beowulf cut a dragon in half. Sigurd killed Fafnir, bathed in the dragons blood, drank some of it, after which he obtained the ability to talk to the birds (birds again, eh?) and lastly he thought to himself: no, this is not enough, I'm gonna roast the bastards heart and eat it! And what do you think happened? Sigurd could tell prophecies from that lunch forward. Tristan had to slay a dragon to get a fair girl Iseult for his uncle Mark. And all the others whom I do not care enough about to know about.

Poor dragons, who were wise and old as earth and the gods itself for a word dragon not only means a snake or a serpent. Trust me when I say that you can trust Greeks to explain you stuff properly: derkein (a form of drakon, and you don't want to know the rest for it is boring for you, mere mortals)  means "that which sees", or "the one with a deadly glance". So why would the gods and all mighty heroes make a living or reputation off of killing creatures, who have the ability to look into the world with absolute clarity, to see things as they truly are, to see ideas, not shadows in a cave and therefore to understand stuff properly, not like us, or to be exact, you, mere mortals? An act like that indicates to people that from now on, things will be the killers way. When Apollo slew a child of Gaia, it symbolised the rule of new gods and the death of the old traditions, like believing that peace and women matter. At some point, the heroes started telling a different story, that dragons are bad and evil for they like gold and virgins (what for a dragon needs a virgin anyway?). Meanwhile all the lovely dragons were trying to do was to collect back the gold, which someone somewhere wrote suppose to mean "earthblood", and to protect it from greedy men with swords and penises.

Now God,  he didn't kill a dragon. Yet. For it is said God will kill Leviathan at the end of time. Considering that God created the creature in the first place, that would be kind of a filicide. I hope, that when time comes, Jesus will say: Stop, Father, do not kill yet another son of yours for you need not to be like the other gods. You and I, we're the type that are being seduced in some desert and we love cats. And Lucifer* is my husband, so for once, Father, be a God and act not like a mere mortal.

Anyway.

And so people came to believe that they roam the Earth free, with no dragons to darken their times. The fools thought not that the magical creatures were the ones who breathed fire, therefore created light.

*The Leviathan of the Middle Ages was used as an image of Satan, endangering both God's creatures—by attempting to eat them—and God's creation—by threatening it with upheaval in the waters of Chaos. From the fourth Century Lucifer is sometimes used in Christian theology to refer to Satan, as a result of identifying the fallen "son of the dawn" of Isaiah 14:12 with the "accuser" of other passages in the Old Testamen.

THE GODS AND THE BIRDS. THE HORROR.

"It is also believed that by his [Phanes] centuries-old battle with Chaos, the creatin of birds took place as the result."

On the 9th day of His existence He realised that the birds are not what they appear to be. They walk in circles, but flight North. Never South. And they never come back. On the 9th day of his existence He realised why. Angry men were everywhere. They reminded Him of a scare crow. Crows, they never left. They had their god living on Earth with them. Why would they leave? So they walked straight and flew in circles. A circle is a perfect form indeed, ancient Greeks believed. Now Greeks didn't believe in North. North was a place where all the birds fly too. And never come back. So they asked Apollo. Why they said.

Bring not the morning
Until I am in my chariot
Lusting after Dawn
Listening to but no-one
Singing in my lungs.
Hurry, oh please, hurry
It won't take us long
To think about the birds -

He answered.

On the 9th day of his existence He realised that number 42 makes as much sense as Apollo's answer.

GOD AND THE CURSE OF SUMMER.

I wonder on which day God decided and then of course SAID the following: there will be no nice summers for scots for as long as those red bearded bastards walk among those mountains of theirs. My guess would be on about three hundred twenty-sixth day. Seems like a fare share of time to take care of other, more important things. For example, befriend Zeus, for He was always envious of Zeus miraculously white and long beard, for God was only a young boy at the time. 

We, mere mortals, always had a hard time comprehending what Time means to gods and how to count the years of gods in the years of Those-Who-Walk-The-Earth. Well, let me tell you a story. 

There was heavenly light, Aether, and Chaos. And there was a silvery cosmic egg which was floating. It was huge and shiny and it wasn't alone for two gods were circling it: Khronos, the god of Time and his consort Ananke, the goddess of inevitability, fate and destiny. And so they split the silvery egg into earth, sea and sky. And so Phanes emerged from the egg. He had a helmet and two beautiful golden wings and he gave birth to the first generation of gods. And these gods gave birth to another generation and so on. And Khronos, who created the world, stepped back and let the young ones to rule and fight. For he is Time - old, wise and uncountable and the only trace of him that is left for us mere mortals to detect is the never ending change of events. And even Time created the world, he as the rest of the gods, do not live on Earth for their time is different and they are immortals.

In conclusion, no one really knows when exactly God said his famous words about red bearded men and their lack of summers from that day forward, but the fact remains.